Police arrested two kids yesterday,
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
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"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You
stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone
just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and
everyone joins in."
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"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought
'That's a turn-up for the books."
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"And the back of his anorak was
leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said
'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes,this my livelihood.' "
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"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you
look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
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"You know, somebody actually
complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the
windscreen, it said Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
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"So I went down my local ice-cream
shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds &
thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker
glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of
freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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I went to Millets and said 'I want to
buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to
buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I
said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
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So I went to the dentist. He said
"Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
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"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and
down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I
thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out
of the filing cabinet.'"
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"So I got home, and the phone was
ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a
voice said 'You are.'"
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"So I rang up my local swimming
baths. I said Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
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"So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the
world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must
be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother
ANDY.Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's ANDY."
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"So I was in my car, and I was
driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been
promoted again.' And swerved again. He rang up a third time and said
'You're managing director.'And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up
and said 'What happened to you?' And I said'I careered off the road.'
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